Who am I?

It’s been less then a year since this shit show started. In less then a year I’ve had to deal with my diagnosis, endure a pretty horrific chemo routine then I got burnt to a crisp in radiotherapy and before I could take a breath I was in a 9 and half hour operation which nearly finished me off as my body went septic. I live in pain which is how we found out it got to my bones.

I was always a cup half full kinda gal. I’m trying so hard to be like that again. I find myself constantly saying I’ve got the best of a bad situation and I’ve got this. What does that even mean? I have a got the bad of a bad situation. I play down my surgery scars to make it sound positive. Who wouldn’t want their Gunt removed and smaller pert boobs?? It’s the surgery of dreams right?  Who am I trying to protect? Myself? I’m not sure.

I’m not strong or brave I’m not even fighting. You cant fight something you cant win. I turn up for appointment I detach myself from reality to hide the fact I’m petrified. Blood tests, cannulas, injections, bad news it doesn’t stop. It will never stop.

I feel like I’m existing not living. I have responsibilities as a Mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have to go on like nothing has changed.

I don’t know who I am. I have a different body a different face/hair a different mind. Why is no one trying to get to know the new me? Maybe they will if I stop pretending to be the old me.

 

 

5 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. Oh love, I can’t imagine how you move forward…but I can imagine the feeling of not daring to, of not knowing how to, of not being anything that resembles who you once were. The new you is someone I imagine you’re still getting to know yourself. I know how those smiles can hide fear beyond explanation…I’m not exactly where you are as it’s not me that’s gone through what you have, but the psychological scars that cancer brings are as difficult to heal as the physical ones. Sending love always, Siobhan xx

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  2. I am not sure what I want to say. But I do know that I want you to know that your thoughts have been read and I felt the weight of them. But having listened to your Instagram stories, I know how brave a woman you are, how down to earth, how ‘normal’ and how much life you bring to these squares. Maybe that’s exactly who you are now. A positive, reassuring light for others who connect with you. What a lucky family they are to have you.

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  3. Hey love your blog, Did you need a bone scan to diagnose your bone mets? I have spine pain and doctor sent for a CT just not sure if it shows on that?

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