It’s been less then a year since this shit show started. In less then a year I’ve had to deal with my diagnosis, endure a pretty horrific chemo routine then I got burnt to a crisp in radiotherapy and before I could take a breath I was in a 9 and half hour operation which nearly finished me off as my body went septic. I live in pain which is how we found out it got to my bones.
I was always a cup half full kinda gal. I’m trying so hard to be like that again. I find myself constantly saying I’ve got the best of a bad situation and I’ve got this. What does that even mean? I have a got the bad of a bad situation. I play down my surgery scars to make it sound positive. Who wouldn’t want their Gunt removed and smaller pert boobs?? It’s the surgery of dreams right? Who am I trying to protect? Myself? I’m not sure.
I’m not strong or brave I’m not even fighting. You cant fight something you cant win. I turn up for appointment I detach myself from reality to hide the fact I’m petrified. Blood tests, cannulas, injections, bad news it doesn’t stop. It will never stop.
I feel like I’m existing not living. I have responsibilities as a Mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I have to go on like nothing has changed.
I don’t know who I am. I have a different body a different face/hair a different mind. Why is no one trying to get to know the new me? Maybe they will if I stop pretending to be the old me.