Feeling lost

Over the last few years the cancer community has grown and developed into many things. Mostly positive. I can’t help but feel like I am being pushed out. I don’t fit the marketing mould. I am not news worthy or picture perfect. I swear and I’m honest which isn’t pink or fluffy enough for certain brands who use my illness for their own benefit. I am not here to feed the god complex of PR firms. I am not here to warm the cockles of board room men and their super duper hens.

I am here trying to live. Trying to spread real hope with gut wrenching honesty. I want to raise awareness. Whether you choose to wear a ball gown or your pyjamas to the hospital I applaud you. I am not here to be superior. I am not the pied Piper I have no answers and I have no clue what I am doing. I have no ego or arrogance when it comes to living with cancer. I don’t push myself into an inspirational narrative. I don’t take life by the horns everyday. I take time for myself without giving a reason. I don’t feel I owe anyone anything. I see and feel the pain that surrounds me. I see everyone’s children in the eyes of my own.

Sometimes I drown in the sadness. Sometimes I bask in the silly. I’m beginning to understand that best for me can change in any given minute. I find it easier to write in the dark place because when I’m in the light nothing else matters.

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