Irrational fear

I’ve been scared of spiders for as long as I remember. They freak me out and make my whole body recoil.

I’ve been scared of cannulas for just under a year. My veins were effected from my very first chemo. My first failed cannula felt like a failure. It was such a small thing but it was the first time my body had let me down. It was a small thing but what it symbolised was big.

The Hospital is like a time machine for me. Certain rooms, smells or faces take me instantly back to a time I’d rather forget. As I type this the ECG room is to my left, when I saw it I winced. The last time I had to go in there I was burnt from Radiotherapy. Not sunburnt, open weeping deep burnt skin the Nurse had to stick the probes on to. I haven’t thought of that day un till now. When ever I’ve need an ultra sound, if I get the room I had when they first told me I had cancer I get a wave of sadness, I can see myself crying and I can feel everything all over again.

It’s not all bad though. The Outpatients waiting room (where I’m sitting now because they have the most comfortable chairs) is my most peaceful place. When ever I’m here to see a Doctor its always good news so I don’t dread it, every outpatients appointment I leave smiling.

Always find your Outpatients waiting room.


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