Trigger (un)Happy

Dictionary result for oestrogen


  1. any of a group of steroid hormones which promote the development and maintenance of female characteristics of the body.

Take that away and what am I?

Thats what I am struggling with. I cant have any hormone replacement treatments. My body is starved of the thing designed to keep it up and running. Like a binding agent, without it you just fall apart. There is no choice or options or time. After a year of treatment by body was shocked into a menopausal state. The menopause wasn’t designed for a Mum with young children.

The best way to describe how I feel is I have been given a destination but no directions to get there. I’m just floating in a big ocean waiting to see land. I cant die and I cant live. I’m just floating in an abyss. Im helpless and hopeless.

I believe in order to not have something means there is a choice to have it. If I can be hopeless then surely I can have hope?

Choices. I can choose to float waiting for land to hit me or I can choose to swim and find my own land. Its not the easy option, it will take time and it will be exhausting. I will be petrified. I can’t bring the oestrogen back. That is not a choice. I need to find another binding agent.

I feel so limited in what I can do. I can’t walk very far, this is becoming more and more of an issue. I have to be taken everywhere, we plan everything around 4 hour medicine blocks.

I am working on feeling limitless. I’m working on becoming independent again. I chose hope over hopeless. I want to be helpful not helpless. I have a life I love and friends I love (and miss). I have dog walks for them to push my wheelchair on.

Amy, Hayley, Lolsy, Mango, Brown, Tucks and me.
(yet to decide who will be chief Wheelchair pusher)

There are no over night solutions. No miracle cures. Just choices. If you can feel hopeless you can feel hope.

I cant replace the oestrogen, I cant stop the physical effects it brings. I have a good relationship with my Doctors and I am not afraid to ask for help.

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