Dictionary result for oestrogen

/ˈiːstrədʒ(ə)n,ˈɛstrədʒ(ə)n/noun

1. any of a group of steroid hormones which promote the development and maintenance of female characteristics of the body.

Take that away and what am I?

Thats what I am struggling with. I cant have any hormone replacement treatments. My body is starved of the thing designed to keep it up and running. Like a binding agent, without it you just fall apart. There is no choice or options or time. After a year of treatment by body was shocked into a menopausal state. The menopause wasn’t designed for a Mum with young children.

The best way to describe how I feel is I have been given a destination but no directions to get there. I’m just floating in a big ocean waiting to see land. I cant die and I cant live. I’m just floating in an abyss. Im helpless and hopeless.

I believe in order to not have something means there is a choice to have it. If I can be hopeless then surely I can have hope?

Choices. I can choose to float waiting for land to hit me or I can choose to swim and find my own land. Its not the easy option, it will take time and it will be exhausting. I will be petrified. I can’t bring the oestrogen back. That is not a choice. I need to find another binding agent.

I feel so limited in what I can do. I can’t walk very far, this is becoming more and more of an issue. I have to be taken everywhere, we plan everything around 4 hour medicine blocks.

I am working on feeling limitless. I’m working on becoming independent again. I chose hope over hopeless. I want to be helpful not helpless. I have a life I love and friends I love (and miss). I have dog walks for them to push my wheelchair on.

There are no over night solutions. No miracle cures. Just choices. If you can feel hopeless you can feel hope.

I cant replace the oestrogen, I cant stop the physical effects it brings. I have a good relationship with my Doctors and I am not afraid to ask for help.