Who knew I was suffering? I didn’t.
I was just doing what everyone else seems to be doing. Their best.
What I didn’t know is not everyone feels how I feel. Now looking back I feel a bit silly about that. I have let myself down. If what I was feeling was a physical, or could be seen I would have been straight to the doctors, like I did when I had cancer. But I didn’t. Instead I have struggled and battled and for the life of me I do not know why.
Mental Health is a labyrinth. There is no blue print or map. No rhyme nor reason. A scary mass of fear and confusion. Unimaginable pain and paranoia. Self loathing masquerading as self confidence. A big fat smile and the need to fix people. Looking selfless making it even harder to be selfish, to take the time to look after yourself. Its a trap, every way you go.
Not everyone is the same, we have different levels. I have never felt that the world would be better with out me. It breaks my heart that anyone could believe that of themselves. What I have realised is that loving yourself is not arrogant. Demanding the best for yourself isn’t being spoilt. That there are no prizes for putting everyone first. For me to get better, I need to love myself.