I have been looking after children my whole adult life. I was the kid that begged to look after the babies.
I have amazing relationships with my friends children because thats where I am most confident, looking after children.
I didn’t have first Mum nerves with Mia, I knew how to hold, change, bath a baby. What medicine to give, what nappies to use! i could sterilise, make bottles wash clean and cook all with a baby on my hip. I watched my Mum and it was second nature.
I have always been able to look after children. Its my thing.
Yesterday in Bluewater I lost Effy. She ran away from me and I couldn’t keep up. An emotional bus of failure embarrassment anger and fear hit me. I cannot look after my own baby outside of this flat. I can’t trust my body to help her if was injured or taken. I am so broken. Mentally and physically.
I have a mobility scooter and was really looking forward to taking her to the park or surprising my Boy at school pick up. I wanted and needed my independence back.
My inability to look after Effy is a danger to her. Out of everything I have gone through since being diagnosed this is by far the cruelest and most painful part. Looking after kids is what I do. It’s who I am, as a mother and a friend.
Today is not a good day.